Friday, December 16, 2005
Thursday, November 10, 2005
deadmoon: people long for the past when they dont relish the future. the hard part to keeping a love is opening your hand and letting it fly away, knowing it doesn't have to return. ever.
deadmoon: do you wait ?
deadmoon: no, you move on. and see what's over the next hill.
lotus: yep. it does make me sad that he still waits for me. or at least he was waiting a few months ago.
lotus: and it even makes me a little sad that i don't want him anymore. because if i did, things might've worked out. but alas.
deadmoon: not an issue.
lotus: it's just hard because i was closer than i ever have been with anyone. he knew every little thing about me. and i him. very very close. it was fantastic. and i think i miss that.
lotus: but just that aspect. not him per se. just being that close to someone.
deadmoon: yeah... * sigh*
deadmoon: I would like to think that you'd find that again. I know I would expect to.
lotus: anyway, he was a great first love. we were both lucky in that relationship. and have both gained more than we've lost from it. well, at least i have ;-) he did lose ME after all!
lotus: yeah, i hope to.
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
So... I haven't been here for a minute, ecause I thought this was getting just a bit too droll. However, even though things are looking a bit down, I think that I personally am a bit up, and would like to celebrate a bit. So I'll be trying to spend a little more time in here, since that's the thing that I love to do.
Thursday, August 25, 2005
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
I am oficially having "One of THOSE days". All the work stuff that went awry last week has come home to roost, and must be cleaned up. Additionally, and more importantly, it seems that I have lost all patience with everything.
But put a smile on it, buddy, and I'll give you some chain lube, k?
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!
Saturday, August 20, 2005
If only it were so easy to clean out the mind. I mean, the cruft and detritus that builds up over a week, hosed off, and the self put away clean like so many dishes out of the dishwasher. The dust of a thousand almost finished work and personal projects vacuumed up and dropped in the bin. Bits of thoughts half finished swept up and up in the disposal - flick the switch and they're gone.
Those that study the mind say that sleep does some of this, allowing the brain time to make connections and file stuff away. I used to meditate for an hour a day and get some of this done. Later in life I would go to an empty auditorium, or the practice space and play piano or guitar and let the mind float, and create one thing while filing another. With the onset of responsibility and family, not so much. I know it's possible to build this into a day, as others build in exercise and therapy, but it has never seemed natural to me. I guess, really, all of society is unnatural in that aspect - you work when you have to , eat when you have to, sleep when you have to, and try to fit in the meditation or the things that make your life go round on the side. How fucked up is that ? I mean, there are those that have a perfect fit and get paid to do what they love, but I'm not sure I'm one of them. Operations is cool, and maybe if I were to work for Goddard or the National Radio Astronomy Observatory or the NSA or something, that might be cooler still. But I don't think that's it. And I used to pine away about being more involved in the music industry, but I don't have a lot of respect for it these days. I have a lot of respect for musicians, and for those who really care for their craft, but the people that run the industry seem to mostly be of a poor cut. That doesn't mean I wont keep after it though. My neighbor, who's deeply involved in it, he's having a great time. He's got some drama as well, but I think that's par for the course.
Maybe whatever you do, you have some friction, and little bits get rubbed off, and you have to have time to heal and recuperate and get you shit together. Unless you're like a Zen master, or a saint or a lama, maybe you just need that downtime to get yourself back together. I guess what I'm saying is that putting the hours in and getting the work done with sufficient concentration sustained for hours on end, bringing the intensity up and down at the sound of a call phone or an email - you chop off bits of thoughts and feelings, and sooner or later you have to go back and put the things you put aside away or finish them.
I'd like to think that I finish more than I flush. Lately I've been flushing a lot of things. Some that might be too big, or too important to flush. But I have lost momentum, and to regain it, one must be fleet of foot, quick and silent. The mind neat and orderly, poised. The work part of my mind is fine for this, it's the play part that's dusty - work has become or assumed, or subsumed play, and is trying to throw out all the other bits. But it's not as much fun. I'm missing something in the dark corners of my mind, and I think it's high time for a fall cleaning. I'm going to go find it.
Thursday, August 18, 2005
Horoscope for: Thursday, August 18, 2005
Unexpected changes at work can toss your schedule right into the recycling bin. Don't put up too much of a fight as circumstances are now really beyond your control. On the other hand, it's not a great idea to just throw in the towel or you will lose what little command that you have. Finding the balance may not be easy, but it's the only sensible path.
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
See what I married into ? there's my youngest sis, her kid, my daughter, and my eldest sis in law. Can you believe she was pissed about not being in my blog? Damn! it's MY blog! at any rate, I think this is from last Halloween. Funny, Halloween's my wife's birthday. The oddness of the ocassion is probably most clearly represented in my niece's expression, as she looks at my daughter - WTF is your problem, freako! Thank god this only happens once a year!
Radhi! Here's a pic of a great friend of mine. I have no idea what the hell she's eating here - I think the picture's from Barcelona. At any rate, Radhi's birthday is this coming Friday, and I just wanted to get a shout out to her. Radhi used to work with me at the evil empire, for one of the evil overlords. Definitely a bright light in a dark place. She decided to reapply her intelligence and get her MBA, and she's doing it - at 26! Not to mention she's having a little trouble beating the boys off with a stick, so I thought I'd just compound the problem for her. Love Ya!
Monday, August 15, 2005
So I came in to work today to find that the database has been clubbed to death like a baby seal. There's not enough of it left to make a change purse. which means that my guys are getting behind and they're all restless and bored. If you remember the post about the zen fishermen, well guess what - the busy little beavers in Ops have fucking damned the river, and all the fish are drying out in the sun. we're not getting any more, because the danged river aint there. YEEEEhaW!!!
Sunday, August 14, 2005
Oh my GAWD.
so I guess I've had a little pent up frustration, and this weekend it decided that it would no longer be tethered. Friday I worked a full day, and it was sooooo busy that I forgot to eat anything all day. Friday night was Vortex night as usual, and one of my favorite guys that I've been trying to get out of his shell came with me from work.
might be the last time that happens.
so I get to the 'tex and proceed to drink at my usual pace, not realizing that I haven't chowed all day. My lovely wife and sister-in-law have been there for a little bit, and decide that they'd had enough and bolt. I wasn't ready to go. On top of that I was having a fabu time talking to CC and watching him realize that this cute oriental geek was trying to pick him up. So I had a few more, and then decided that if I were going to get home, I should go. Now.
navigated my way home, only to find that my neighbor the DJ rap star was lying in wait. Sure enough, five minutes after I get home, he comes over and we get down to the business of drinking. Copious amounts. Niagara. Flow rates like the Amazon. So, still having not eaten anything but the corner of a chicken sandwich generously donated by the twins, I rapidly approach the status know as shitfaced. This is alright with me; I'm at home with my wife and a good friend with no place to be and no time to be there. So I let it rip. The new music my wife has been listening to that I hate, let that rip. The idiot in the oval office? Ripped. The state of the media today? destructed. dev team at work? Obliterated. Of course, I have no recall of any of this, it's all hearsay. Though I did get a compliment from one of the worlds foremost DJs - " man - when you're drunk you sure can mix!"
so I spent most of Saturday recovering, and swearing that I would never do anything so stupid again. I went to Home despot to get another disposal, since ours was jammed and starting, nay, continuing, nay, intensifying the disposal smell. So I came home from HD to find my sister-in-law twisting my wife's arm to go out. You know she's just been divorced - she's 25 and a doll, with a couple of hangups, but she's bored. And my wife, she's 25 and a doll, with a couple of hangups, but she was cool enough to marry me, and I want to stay out of her way while she's kicking it and figuring out the whole 25-30 thing. So they hang out a lot; I mean they're fucking twins, so what do you expect. But they're like the dynamic fucking duo, a hurricane corridor, don't feed the bears. So I replaced the insinkerator, and they went out. Sis was already looking good, and the wife was not going to be outdone and got all dolled up. Ironically, they only went around the corner, and came back about the time I was all covered in grime from finishing the disposal. So I got cleaned up, and found them watching Chapelle season 2. Guess what? We got drunk.
I wasn't planning to; the ladies were well on their way, and enjoying themselves. But then my freakish neighbor showed up, and told me how entertaining I was the night before. That sealed it. I never made it in the biz, but we have some kind of freakish bond - I understand enough of what he goes through to be a pal, but don't care enough to ask him every 5 minutes to do an album for me. So we're cool. And we drink a lot. So when he comes over, it's on. Death before Dishonor!
and he's got a thing for my sis.
not unexpected. She's a babe. I mean I should know, I married her sister. And I got the evil one.
At anyrate, so we fucking rocked the house all night long. Watched a bunch of Chapelle, spun some tunes, just got rocked. I felt like a fucking chaperone. Not my problem. The wife, who'd been up longer than I, passed out, and we finally ran the DJ off to his house. Sis set off the alarm, and the cops came - but I slept through that.
an excellent weekend all told. I think my liver's moved out, though. I can't seem to find it.
Friday, August 12, 2005
Kel and I went overseas for our honeymoon. Here she is with this smartass at the Tower of London. Really he wasn't that bad, aside from trying to make a couple of newlywed tourists feel at home. He made fun of my shirt and told Kel I was a lucky guy, which I am.
it was a fabulous trip - we need to go again soon. we're both such workaholics that I sometimes forget that we need to take breaks out for ourselves.