Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Everything is new

New Job, new city. Other things are new as well, but we won't go into that. I guess I'm back. Cheers! L. all works subject to copywrite. Anything here just reflects my mindset, not that of my friends, relatives, employers, etc.

Sunday, August 29, 2010



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Thursday, September 24, 2009

my mom gets me...

I just got the best birthday present ever - my Mom finally groks me.

Long story short - My Dad was a Mercedes guy, but used to buy my Mom quality boring automatic cars to drive. When he passed away, she kept buying quality boring automatic cars. ( I did try to teach her to drive a manual once, in my 90 coupe quattro, but that's another story ) Last year I had an opportunity to do some work for Google in the EU, and so I gave my hopped up A4 Special Edition to my 80+ year old retired elementary school teacher Mum. The timing was right - she's retired and does what she wants when she wants, and now has reliable wheels with a warranty and 24 hour roadside assistance. ( Please try to imagine Mom + Audi, cruising up and down the eastern seaboard, stopping at random spots and visiting sorority sisters and relatives at all hours of the day and night ). Anyway, so she took the car in for an inspection on Monday, and called me Tuesday to wish me a happy birthday. The interesting part of the conversation went something like this:

Mom: " Less Charles, I took the car in for service, and as usual the service people were so nice! Did you call them and tell them to be nice to me? "

Me: " Only that first time. That's what you get in that type of car, mum."

Mom: " Well it was wonderful! They inspected the car and didn't try to add any ridiculous charges, and the service manager took me out so I could get some lunch while I was waiting on them. Oooh Less, you should have seen this car! It was a little two seater, a little bigger than the one you used to have. The manager asked me if I wanted to trade up, but it was what, 120 thousand dollars? If I was a little younger I would have done it! I told him how much I was enjoying your car, and that this one was right up your alley. You know the one I mean? It had the little window in the back so you could see the engine and everything. I asked him "who really needs to see the engine when you're in the car? "

Me: " The service manager took you to lunch in an R8?!"

Mom: " I think that's what it was! I knew you would know."

Me: " You're right Mom, that's exactly what I want. If I won the lottery tomorrow, that's exactly what I would get!"

Mom: " No, my good man you would not! - If you won the lottery tomorrow, you'd pay off your house! And then maybe you could get one. Be sure and get the automatic in case you go overseas again..."

40 years old, and she's still telling me to eat my vegetables - but she groks me about cars. Best present ever!

all works subject to copywrite. Anything here just reflects my mindset, not that of my friends, relatives, employers, etc.

Friday, June 19, 2009

the perils of jeepin with TomTom

Frustrated with companies that don't take active roles in theft deterence...

open letter to TomTom

clearly you know these things are often stolen, but since it's in your best interest to sell more, you're not doing much about it. A bit of customer loyalty would be appreciated. Since I've bought three of these things and recommended numerous others, I would have expected you to do something about making it easy to enter stolen serial numbers etc., and take an active role in theft deterrence. Since you are clearly not interested in that, I think I will have to recommend other solutions that are. I was disturbed with the lack of concern with the initial theft of

DeviceName=TomTom ONE XL
DeviceVersionHW=ONE XL
DeviceUniqueID=AK9AL CSEUS

so I'm not surprised that you guys don't really care about

DeviceName=TomTom GO 920
DeviceVersionHW=GO 920
DeviceUniqueID=AK6S4 BJEUJ

call ref # 090 620 001774. Your rep was nice, but not much she could do since you aren't addressing the problem as a company.

all works subject to copywrite. Anything here just reflects my mindset, not that of my friends, relatives, employers, etc.

Monday, March 23, 2009

fun with mirrors

Ever do that thing with two mirrors where it looks like you're going back in time ?


all works subject to copywrite. Anything here just reflects my mindset, not that of my friends, relatives, employers, etc.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Fwd: fun with VMS when you dont know the volume name...

Thanks to Alan Frisbie!!!

this solved a couple of recovery issues for me!

R. D. Davis wrote:

> I How do
> I find out what the right volume name of this device is in order to
> mount it, or how else can I mount this disk?

I have a simple procedure for doing this. CAUTION!!! This is
not a good idea to do in most cases. I use it primarily when
mounting CDROMs when there is no danger of someone writing to
the wrong disk.

$! S y s M o u n t . C o m
$! Command procedure to mount a disk system-wide without
$! knowing its volume label.
$! P1 = Disk device name (e.g. DKA400:)
$ Old_Privs = F$SetPrv("SYSNAM,SYSPRV") ! Make sure we can Mou/Sys
$ Mount /NoAssist /Foreign 'P1 ! Let system find volname
$ Label = F$GetDVI("''P1'", "VOLNAM") ! Get volume name
$ Dismount /NoUnload 'P1 ! Dismount disk, but keep it spinning
$ Mount /NoAssist /System 'P1 'Label ! Remount it /System
$ X = F$SetPrv(Old_Privs) ! Restore original privileges
$ Exit

Even he, to whom most things that most people would think were pretty smart were pretty dumb, thought it was pretty smart.
 - Douglas Adams

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

new thug life!


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For my pal 2nd Nature

From 2ndnature's facebook....

Hey fellow djs and friends!

Today is the last day to vote for me as your favorite VJ for 2008! So if ya wouldn't mind, head over and vote! THANKS!

My latest video set performed at House of Blues:

As you all know I do a lot of remixes. I've recently finished 2 that I'm very proud of.

A Few Honest Words Remix aka "Barack Obama Remix"
I co-produced it with a cello player and singer from Louisville, KY named Ben Sollee http://www.myspace.com/bensollee

My first fully original dance remix. Very pop so not for everyone.

And a very quick house remix of Lady Gaga 'Just Dance" done with Antonio Smith


all works subject to copywrite. Anything here just reflects my mindset, not that of my friends, relatives, employers, etc.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

A funny thing happened when I went to Europe, and came home to find the rednecks have nearly taken over. No, don't get me started on the election.

Wow, it's been months since my last post. I've been working overseas, and busy as a ... well, busy.

One of the strange twists of fate about this project has been that I didn't want my car to sit around. So I gave my mom my 05 Audi a4 special edition. It's been tinted out with custom wheels. Just the thing for a 70+ lady to hit the AKA and Boulé meetings in. That's my mom for you - she loves to see the jaws drop.

Anyway, so I came back earlier than I thought. I wanted to get back around Thanksgiving, and pick up a sports car, but life kind of got lived there for a minute, and here we are. So we needed something now, and we actually settled on a Jeep.

I used to build 4x4s for fun a long time ago, and I'd forgotten why I got out of it. Now I remember - it's the assholes. I went looking on Petersen's forums for some build tips, and got so frustrated that I wrote the following diatribe - I was/am so upset that I figured I'd repost here, thus this entry


I've got to say I hope most of this is just some testosterone fueled chest beating, and we'll get back to the learning part in a minute.

I grew up with willys, broncos, power wagons, and harvesters. I've wrenched K5s, and SJs mainly, and admit to owning a couple of xterras. They were all good at different things. The garage is a tool-box - you get the tool you need to do the job. If you don't have it, you ask a friend.

What I'm hearing is that we've all kind of forgotten that we don't all have the same jobs to do, and so it's kind of a my hammer's better than your hammer thing, when my hammer's not a hammer at all, it's a screwdriver. Or maybe even a level. I'm also hearing that we may have forgotten that we just need a claw-hammer, not necessarily a sledge. Lastly, I'm hearing that we've all gotten fed up with ALL the manufacturers for selling us tools, for whatever purpose, that are cosmetic and unreliable.

All of that to say this - I'm the guy you're all getting down on. With a lot of hesitancy about Chrysler, I just bought a new ( to me ) jk 4x4, and I do think it's softer than I remember. I've got a day job, and I haven't been anywhere but down some powercuts yet. However, it's hard enough to get me and my kids to the camps, and I'm finding a lot of parts. My wife loves it. Time and spirit willing, it'll get me and my family out into the woods, and back again, and that's what it's supposed to do. So no, I probably wont build another crawler or mudder with it - I'll just drive it and replace the things I don't think are making the grade until it becomes the tool I need.

That's what I came to the forums for - to find people that know more about it than I do, so I can find the parts and techniques I need to make the truck do what I need it to do. If it's not capable, or I made a poor tool selection, I'll get something else. But unless someone misrepresented the capabilities of the tool I selected, you wont hear me complaining about that company. Nor will you hear me bad mouth anyone else's selection in return because it doesn't fit my needs.

One final thing before I get off my soapbox and we get back to learning - I haven't been around forever, but during my years, I've noticed that there is always someone that's better at "it" than I am. I can recall a particularly humbling experience where I couldn't get a jacked xterra up a narrow rocky arroyo. I tried a bunch of lines and none of them worked. My mechanic was out that day, and took my x through with no problems, then had me take his stock CJ through with him spotting the same line. I thought the jeep made it look easy, and I told him so. He told me the reason it looked easy from the jeep was because he'd been able to see me blow the line 6 times in the x and had figured it out.

Can we get back to figuring it out now ?

all works subject to copywrite. Anything here just reflects my mindset, not that of my friends, relatives, employers, etc.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Working in Mons

I'll include just this one, because it reminds me of something my friend benzilla might have cranked out.

My Employer has sent me to Mons to do some work. The catch is that I have to find my replacement before I can come home. But they were cool about it, and let me bring my family. So head on over to picasa and check out the pix!

Cheers. Missing you all.

all works subject to copywrite. Anything here just reflects my mindset, not that of my friends, relatives, employers, etc.

Saturday, April 05, 2008

early release for good behavior...


thanks to tunecore, this came out early. It should be hitting itunes on april 22 or so.

Deadsuperstar, MP3 Album Music Download at eMusic
Deadsuperstar by Dead Moon at eMusic. MP3 album download, Alternative.



all works subject to copywrite. Anything here just reflects my mindset, not that of my friends, relatives, employers, etc.

Thursday, March 27, 2008


I got bored over Christmas and started a record company. First off, I published a bunch of older work from Superstar Pillowfight, but now I am cleaning up my solo back catalog and recent stuff. It's mostly music for film, and it's mean to be edited. But I'm happy to be back in that saddle again, keeping my work/life balance. Cheers!

all works subject to copyright. Anything here just reflects my mindset, not that of my friends, relatives, employers, etc.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Gmail - P1020705.JPG

Gmail - P1020705.JPG

...what you look like AFTER you've finished scraping a ceiling? Well wonder no more.

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Friday, December 28, 2007

My idea of a good time...

Now that x-mas is over, I can get down to my idea of a good time.

Cakebread is a special treat to myself, and Mingus is Mingus. I might be reading something a little heavier than Weber, but hey - it's fun time, and I love military space opera. I'll save the Dostoevsky or Republic for some other time.

“ου φροντις 'Ιπποκλειδη - Hippocleides careth not”

Happy new year!

oh, and if anyone's wondering, no, I didn't get the new Zeppelin box set.

all works subject to copywrite. Anything here just reflects my mindset, not that of my friends, relatives, employers, etc.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Super duper busy, but traveling at c


'nuff' said.

all works subject to copywrite. Anything here just reflects my mindset, not that of my friends, relatives, employers, etc.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Be there - dont be square.

all works subject to copywrite. Anything here just reflects my mindset, not that of my friends, relatives, employers, etc.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

super duper busy

WOW have I been super duper busy with all kinds of excellently great stuff for that place that I work for that i cant tell you anything about.


never met so many smart people in one place that are so focused on making stuff happen like it's supposed to.

and my boss doesn't suck.

gotta go take care of getting some people promoted...


- d

all works subject to copywrite. Anything here just reflects my mindset, not that of my friends, relatives, employers, etc.

Monday, May 07, 2007

And Of Course...

Linkage love...
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Saturday, May 05, 2007

Things that amaze me....

People do great work all around you - sometimes you have to stop and smell the greatness.

My friend Accipiter is an awesome photo editor. He's something of a mash up freak in general, with a great appreciation for other people's works. It's rare that a week goes by that he's not sent me or my wife a link of some awesome music or visual mash up. But he also does his own great work; he does both composites and removals. Dont like that shady guy in the background of your wedding photos? ZZZZAAAAPPPP! gone. You'd never know. And in this case, he's taken one of my favorite scenes, from one of my favorite films, and cleaned it. Leon the Professional style. Accipiter: Nettoyer.

Check it. Before After

all works subject to copyright. Anything here just reflects my mindset, not that of my friends, relatives, employers, etc.

Friday, May 04, 2007

Times change


Time flies when you're having fun.

Got a new job. if you know me, you know what it is. The rest of you, keep guessing.

My lovely wife told me some of my links here had degenerated into porn. Not surprising - they were probably pretty close to begin with. Sorry guys, all that's been fixed.

I'm going to try to dig up some Superstar Pillowfight links and stuff to put up here - I'll let you know.

Anything else ? not at the moment.


all works subject to copywrite. Anything here just reflects my mindset, not that of my friends, relatives, employers, etc.

Monday, March 05, 2007


Anything here just reflects my mindset, not that of my friends, relatives, employers, etc.

evil villans and such

You scored 32 % maniacal, 64 %intelligent, and 52% power!
Megatron is a very powerful and intelligent robot. He wants what any villain wants, power, but mostly energon. He doesn't care who or what he detroys to get what he wants, and needs. Others might call him a, well you know, just look at his helmet.

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 7% on maniacal
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 59% on intelligent
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 75% on power


9 Reasons To Become an Evil Super Villain

1. You will have more friends
Peter Parker was a social outcast. Norman Osborne was the popular kid. Reed Richards was a dorky scientist. Victor Von doom was a rich socialite. Anyone else sensing a pattern here? Everyone wants to get a little piece of the evil. It is like Starburst.

2. You get to laugh maniacally
Good guys don’t get to do this. No one has ever heard Superman or Batman laughing like a maniac and no one ever will. Trust me, this is something everyone wants to do. It is strangely liberating. While you may pass chances to do this every once in a while during your civilian life, you will never get the quantity of opportunities that come with a career in villainy.

3. All of a sudden, you will have the budget for all kinds of toys
Super bad guys are never broke. Not only are they never broke but they always have more resources than the hero could ever hope for. Apparently the villain racket pays very well. It also seems to be recession-proof. I hear the tax breaks are good too.

4. Hot chicks dig evil guys
You never see an evil villain with a busted ass woman. Sure, they may be dirty, rotten, and out to steal your empire, but you can always kill them if they get out of hand. Studies show that breasts of women who hang out with evil guys are an average of two cups bigger than the nice dudes chicks. Studies don’t ever lie.

5. You will be safe from everyday accidents
Evil villains are never killed in car accidents. It just doesn’t happen. You won’t slip in the shower, get smashed by a falling piano, or die of food poisoning. The only way you can be killed is in an explosion created by the hero by exposing the one flaw in your plan that no one could ever possibly foresee. Even then…

6. You don’t have to worry about anyone killing you
Evil Villains simply can not be killed. People may think you are dead but you will secretly be lounging in an easy chair on your secret desert island hideout planning your next caper. The only way you can be taken out is by another villain eviler than yourself who will subsequently take over your identity and continue upon your path of world domination.

7. You can kill anyone you want
You won’t go to jail. For some strange reason, cops never come to bust Evil villains at their homes even when the evidence is overwhelming. You could kill Superman on a live video feed in front of the entire planet and not one cop would try to arrest you. They can’t even arrest you for the stash of plutonium you have in your shed. It is in the charter when you join the union.

8. You get to dress how you want
You never have to wear a suit and tie again. You can even dress in the most outrageous outfits while demanding the world bow to your demands and no one will even make the slightest of snide comment. This could have something to do with the fact that you can kill anyone you want and can’t be killed back. Remember, no one ever made fun of Magnetos helmet…

9. No matter how weak you are, you will be more than a match for any hero facing you
“But zero, Batman would kick my ass in two shakes of a stripper’s ass…” None of that matters. The sheer newness of your evil plot will confuse the hell out of any good guy. As long as you aren’t doing something that has been done to death (ie goblin themed villains) you should have no problem getting your plans off the ground.

The 9 Drawbacks to Being an Evil Villain

1. Costumes never fit right
They are always tight around the crotch area. This is a problem for both the heroes and villains. In the old days they used to take time outs from fighting each other to adjust themselves. You just don’t find that kind of common courtesy anymore.

2. It’s hard to find decent help
Regardless of how many background checks you run, you will always be surrounded by inept fools. It doesn’t take much schooling to get a good job in the henchmen racket. The upside is they are all going to get killed anyways, so you don’t have to worry about any of them being around long enough to get on your nerves. The downside is that for the short time they are alive they will manage to screw up every key point of whichever evil plan you are using that day.

3. All the good themes are taken
Some of them are even done to death. Good luck trying to find anything original that is actually respectable. Animal and skull themes got played out 15 years ago. Go with anything too colorful and you run the risk of looking like a fairy. You could always search out an existing villain, kill him, and take over his identity, but that’s dirty. Even for a villain.

4. Shark tanks aren’t cheap
You will go through at least one of these every week, along with probably a laser and two or three space rockets. There is never a shortage of asshole heroes in this world that like nothing more than to sneak into your lair and break your stuff. Not cool.

5. It is hard to keep a relationship
Most of your girlfriends get killed; 90% of them will be by your own hand. It is hard to make anything long-term when you got the whole pesky business of world domination always lingering on your mind. Also, evil lairs are not exactly prime real estate for raising a family. You can’t call time out to discuss your evil plans with a spouse anyways.

6. Batman
One day he will find you and he will kick the holy living shit out of you. There is nothing you can do about this. Just accept it and move on.

7. Superheroes make the stupidest jokes
It is one thing to get cracked on, it is another to get cracked on by some geek wearing his underwear outside his pants as he kicks the shit out of you on top of a high rise building in front of the entire city. It embarrasses not only the offender but all those around. It almost makes you want to stop fighting and act like you don’t know the guy.
8. Every now and then, you’re forced to do something good
It is inevitable. Somewhere along the line you will be forced to spare some hero or save the life of some innocent bystander simply because it suits your plan better to keep them alive. I know, it sucks. Redeem yourself later by baking a fresh batch of kittens.

9. You never really win
It is always something. Either your guards weren’t watching the “abort” button or some idiot let the hero in the front door and gave him a key to the cellar full of ammunition. Don’t worry, he won’t kill you. He will just come in, break all your stuff, and call the cops. You will get away without a scratch but your plans will be foiled. “One day!” you will scream as you shake your fist. Get used to that.

100 Guidelines on Becoming an Evil Villain

World domination is everyone’s dream. It’s not a bad job really. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However, every Evil Villain I’ve read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I’ve noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. Therefore, I follow these guidelines while conquering the world:

  1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
  2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
  3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
  4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
  5. The artefact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
  6. I will not gloat over my enemies’ predicament before killing them.
  7. When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, “Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’ll say, “No.” and shoot him. No, on second thought I’ll shoot him then say “No.”
  8. After I kidnap the hot girlfriend of the hero, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks’ time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
  9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled “Danger: Do Not Push”. The big red button marked “Do Not Push” will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.
  10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum—a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
  11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
  12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
  13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
  14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
  15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
  16. I will never utter the sentence “But before I kill you, there’s just one thing I want to know.”
  17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
  18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
  19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero’s rugged countenance and she’d betray her own father.
  20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it’s too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
  21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi storm troopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
  22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
  23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way—even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless—my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
  24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line “No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!” (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
  25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
  26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bed chamber.
  27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
  28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
  29. I will dress in bright and cheery colours, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
  30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
  31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
  32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
  33. I will never employ the use of a major weapon that takes time to charge up before firing and utterly destroying the rebel base. Instead I will use weapons that can do the same thing with a single push of a button.
  34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
  35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
  36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
  37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he’s my trusted lieutenant.
  38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harbouring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
  39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
  40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super-weapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
  41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
  42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
  43. I will maintain a healthy amount of scepticism when I capture the hot rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
  44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
  45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say “And here is the price for failure,” then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
  46. If an advisor says to me “My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?”, I will reply “This.” and shoot the advisor.
  47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
  48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
  49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artefact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
  50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh PowerBooks.
  51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the hot friend of the hero’s cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
  52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
  53. If the hot friends of the hero that I capture says “I’ll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!”, I will say “Oh well” and kill her.
  54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
  55. The deformed mutants and oddball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
  56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
  57. Before employing any captured artefacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner’s manual.
  58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
  59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
  60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
  61. If my advisors ask “Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?”, I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
  62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a fire fight.
  63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
  64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
  65. If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
  66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
  67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
  68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they’d better save my life again.
  69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
  70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
  71. If I decide to test a lieutenant’s loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
  72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable super-weapon on them.
  73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
  74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk “Project Overlord” and leave it lying on top of my desk.
  75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
  76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
  77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
  78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror “And he must be taken alive!” The command will be “And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical.”
  79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
  80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
  81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
  82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
  83. If I’m eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
  84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
  85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. “Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse.” Instead it will be more along the lines of “Push the button.”
  86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
  87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
  88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
  89. After I capture the hero’s super-weapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
  90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
  91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
  92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
  93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
  94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
  95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cell-mate tells the guard its an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
  96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
  97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.
  98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others’ lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
  99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
  100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.

Anything here just reflects my mindset, not that of my friends, relatives, employers, etc.

Friday, September 15, 2006


I've seen some great work at flickr in the last couple of days. it makes me envious to see people that are pursuing their art. especially the ones that are soo so very talented. that's a race I want to be in. so I've opened an acct, and I'll put things in there. some of which will be art for art's sake, and some of which will simply be all art. live lived and seen by me. might be fun.


read this cheezy disclaimer: works subject to copywrite. Anything here just reflects my mindset, not that of my friends, relatives, employers, etc.

Monday, April 10, 2006